I finally finished watching Dracula 2000. I started last year at the urging of one of my favorite people, who still speaks to me despite the following transcript of my initial 20 minutes of viewing:
"Huh. Interesting..."
"Is that Christopher Plummer?"
"Oh, dear. They're going to regret that."
"A LEECH! ON AN EYE!! GOD-D#@! IT! AN EYE! WITH A LEECH ON IT!! JESUS $#@!!* CHRIST!!! AAAAH! UUUUUUGH!!"
"*whimper* *squeak*"
"...is it... gone now?"
I assume I missed this movie until now because I naturally assumed its existence. Of COURSE they made a movie where Dracula turns up in New Orleans (...and has a kid...through involuntary blood transfusion...and eats Jeri Ryan... Fine. Not that last part). And notwithstanding Gerard Butler's ironclad pulchritude, the movie has a lot of flaws. It does, however, have just enough wit to be interesting. Favorite moments include:
• The opening heist, before the "leech! on an EYE!" part;
• The big reveal of Dracula's true identity, goofy as it was;
• The wide-eyed innocent at the heart of the whole story working at Virgin Records, because if you're making a goofy vampire movie, why leave any pun unturned?
• A sex scene during which the laws of gravity are actually suspended;
• Van Helsing injecting Dracula's blood to stay vital; shades of Victorian monkey-gland therapy!
Highly entertaining, once you pry your hands off your EYES!!! (I mean, eyes).
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