Cynical Heroes Predictions

I'm not mad, exactly, and yes, I have heard of the dreaded "Sophomore Slump," having been through the one that helped kill off Carnivàle ("Now don't forget, you DID have that summer when you went insane and raped a Gypsy! That we've never so much as hinted at. Until now. Because that builds suspense!" But I digress. The topic is network TV bitterness). I am, however, giving up on this show becoming really good this season, and offer the following ideas:

• Sylar, after more road tripping with Maya, realizes the thrill of pointless personal drama beats anything he ever felt while eating(?) brains. He dumps her and gets his own talk show. When he receives word of any particularly talented yet little-known prospective guests, however, he still eats their brains.

• Maya finally reaches the vaunted Dr. Suresh, only to find that it's not the one who actually understood anything, but Mohinder. Mo's innate dullness proves an effective damper for Maya's eyes of evil, and they fall in love and have an adorably cute mutant child. Potential spinoff: wacky comedy where Mohinder and Family travel from place to place, allowing hijinks to ensue before the kid gets upset and kills her preschool class. call it "Honey, I Slew the Kids."

• After coming back from the dead, Bennet decides he actually enjoyed the moment of impact. Till he can reunite with his family, he steals a store of serum derived from Claire's blood and becomes a vigilante who fights crime by diverting evildoers into shooting him in the eye. Win-win, baby!

• Elle realizes that her name is a bad pun (I mean, electric Elle? Really?) She kills a lot of people, then finds God and becomes a novice at an order called Sisters of Perpetual Light.

• Niki manifests a well-balanced personality that wants to go back to school. She and Micah end up in graduate school at the same time, i.e. about three years from now.

• Parkman influences enough dreams to be inexplicably voted People's Sexiest Man Alive, despite the fact that he's not a celebrity. He seamlessly transitions from real police work to cop movies. The directors say it's like he can read their minds or something.

• Something nice happens to Hiro that isn't a doomed relationship or checking back in with Ando. He gets a puppy. Saves the dodo from extinction. Has a non-doomed relationship with a proofreader who makes cynical blog predictions. Whatever!