And so I rented Scars of Dracula, one of the earlier and gorier movies in the Dracula series that features (speaking of ogling) Christopher Lee. The plot is fairly simple: after yet another defeat has turned him into powder, Dracula is revived by an infusion of blood from--
Happybat!
--Beg pardon?
It's me! Batley!
And I'm here to tell you that the bouncing bat who vomits blood on Dracula and revives him is the real star of the show!
--I can well believe it. But... "Happybat"?
You don't bounce like that unless you're happy!
--Point taken, I suppose. The fake...er, possibly merely joyous bats are the movie's special-effects weak point, to be sure, which is a shame since this particular fledermaus plays a large role in the film.
At any rate...Dracula is revived and resumes evil deeds in his castle--which, from the melange of characters and setting, appears to exist in a forest in the little-remarked Anglo-Hungarian Empire circa 1886. The little village nearest the castle suffers a massacre and are wise to the ways of the Drac, but thoughtlessly forget to notify any near neighbors. This leaves three young people (innocent, beautiful Sarah; her stolid fiancé Simon; his short, chronic-wencher brother Paul) out of the information loop at the worst of times. While on the run from an irate father, Paul stumbles upon the castle, macks on a recently turned Anglo-Transylvanian concubine--despite being a vampire, she is soon killed with a dagger, possibly because there are no hawthorn bushes around--and meets a bad end attempting to escape the vampire, the vampire's henchman, and the vampire's henchman's terrible eyebrows of doom.
Naturally, Simon and Sarah go after him. Naturally, Dracula wants Sarah. Most of the remaining villagers are no help, and when the priest (stage 1 of the Peter Cushing Cloning Initiative) attempts to shelter Sarah, he is torn to pieces by--
Happybat! All hail Happybat! Eighty percent of the scars in this movie are, in fact, SCARS OF HAPPYBAT!!
--er, my friend's species-ist outburst is largely correct. If the wounds are anything to go by, he even perpetrated the initial village slaughter.
Simon and Sarah eventually prevail, of course, but only after Sarah gets her cleavage attacked by someone's favorite bouncy flying mammal and a convenient lightning bolt sets Dracula on fire. That'll teach him. . . for about two days, if previous films are anything to go by.
1 comments:
Happybat's right and should be--she was the star of the show. SPOILER ALERT--MAYBE, PERHAPS??? I think my favorite part was the moment when Christopher Matthews is vaulting away from Anoushka Hempel in the bedroom and suddenly sprouts a pair of red "Y-fronts."
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